Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Do you ever just think?

It's true what some people say - when you lose touch with a person, your feelings dissipate along with that lost connection, especially if the relationship between those two people was a superficial one prior to the separation. Even more so if you've harboured feelings for that person, and you can feel it fading against your will as time slowly creeps past you. Even though it felt like it's been two weeks since you last talked to them, you realise that it's only been two days, and you feel this gnawing sensation in your brain, wondering what you're doing with your time wasted over thinking about something that only has a five percent chance of actually happening in reality, instead of the fantasies you conjure up as you try to your greatest efforts to fall asleep in the dark.

In those moments of 'dead time', those moments when you're not wanting to do anything productive - being on a dull train ride, waiting in line at the cashier's, standing in the shower, taking a dump, stoning, trying to fall asleep - you spend those times just thinking about your feelings and your thoughts within your thoughts. You spend time just pondering the intention of your feelings. When we like someone, have you ever sat down to really think why you like them? Maybe they're good looking, or maybe they're nice. But have you ever pondered deeper - do you like the person because you're desperate for some sort of human connection? Maybe you like the person because they are a promise of a secure and comfortable future? Or maybe they are a fantasy made true in the flesh?

Now how about this: have you ever wondered about your attachment towards some people? Especially when you're torn between two people, for whatever the reason may be. Do you ever just weigh the pros and cons of either of these persons, hoping that either one would tip the scale to your preferred favour, and then end up not being able to choose anyway? Honestly, why are we treating these people as choice-less beings? It's not as though you are the only person left in the world for these two to fight over. Why do we do that?

Maybe it's just me. Sometimes these thoughts even move me to tears. Sometimes I even doubt myself and my own convictions.